Adrift

Lucifer has Won!

2011-08-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

Evil has triumphed and we don’t even know it. The modern world has finally given Lucifer the final toehold and opening he needed to gain control of our souls. We are now lost unless we understand where we are being assailed.

Pornography is now just a click away. We lie to close a sale because of our quota. Banks kick the people who have had their whole lives upturned. Instead of familial unity, we have greed tearing apart wives from husbands, children from parents. Healers charging exorbitant fees for nothing more than guesswork and even the gall to charge when the patient passes. We rape the world for profit. We stab our friends for gain. We have thrown food away just because there are so much. We are now living in the most crucial of times.

The modern world has made it possible for our everyday life to be evil. I don’t say down with technology and developments, but instead up with morality and virtue! My CFO once said, the end justifies the means… to what ends? To what degree?

We have virtually explained away evil with the introduction of hedonism. Casual sex and even open marriages are on the rise, monogamy and virginity is now passé and even laughed at. Teachers are pounding intellectual data so much that even I have to google them up; yet so little stress is placed in kindness and the virtue of generosity. We’ve placed psychological terms like sociopath, schizophrenia, and all the likes to diminish the impact of the actions. We have even given evil nice names!

Now what do you think of our world now?

The answer lies in you and I...

the man in the mirror

2010-10-26T17:18:00.000-07:00

on october 21, 2010, ninang fe was taken home by the Lord to His bosom. Dra. Fe P. Mesina MD, a prioress of the third order of carmelites, and so many titles i knew not and honestly, don't really think of. the lady others know is not someone i saw or talked to. to me, she is simply ninang fe. the famous booming voice that is capable of penetrating walls and souls shall no longer talk in this world.

i am more stone cold than most, though i still remain human, and the recent events from the losses of my friends' families, to sicknesses of friends and their families, and now to something more immediate and is beginning to tell. the melancholy astounds me and the grief, though hidden, wrenches my heart and my soul begins to writhe in pain.

i can feel the quiet pain of ninong eddie, mommy and auntie sol who are now the last 2 remaining siblings. mommy's wails still echoes in my mind, a grief stricken tone crying as they are now only 2 left. i'm amazed though, despite my life and how i've lived, i am surrounded by amazing people. most of my friends are fast and solid, their families still intact and none has separated. long term relationship is the standard and integrity and loyalty, qualities endeared and not quaint.

ninang's death has made all the positives in my life come out. i wonder if ninang's legacy will be passed on through her blood? her life is an example of true sainthood. the poor is welcomed without being discriminated, and i mean poor and unwashed, not those who are in institutions. i am curious how her legacy shall live on. more importantly, how i can do my part to carry on, even a marginal portion, of that legacy.

now that last sentence, i believe, is an act of true marvel. i've never been one to be actively working on being good, my basis of morality is quite simple, i do right because it is right. however i don't actively move to be someone righteous. i simply am doing what is convenient when it's time to be convenient. perhaps it's time to be more active.

In Sickness and in Health

2010-09-27T16:25:00.001-07:00

"Eddie, hold me." Fe said in a weak and wavery voice. The once booming and cheerful tone totally absent as the cancer raged and her boundless energy reserves were depleted by thrice weekly dialysis.

Her husband Eddie bent over and embraced his wife of over 25 years tightly. I lifted her hand, which was tightly twined with mine, and felt her feebly try to move. I completed her effort and placed her arm over Eddie's shoulders. A surge of strength that surpised me tightly embraced Eddie for a brief moment. Eddie remained holding her for a long while till she feel asleep.

My heart, hardened by decades of abuse and anger as well as a job in collections, clenched and a fist rose up my throat. I felt tears fill my eyes, though none fell, and my nose reddened with the effort not to sniffle.

"Mommy, I love you, very, very much." said Eddie.

They are my Godparents in my wedding. My wife Ruby's aunt and uncle, a couple I've met several times over the course of a decade of marriage. They are people I saw a few times only in my married life. Often enough to be part of the family but not quite enough to be knit in the family, or so I thought.

The scene made me think of what love is. It's nothing quite so poetic or romantic as books or movies make it sound like; in fact, I doubt if anything but real life can capture the essence, yet I realized it's the minute and invisible bond that transcends blood and time. Love is truly so simple that nothing can fully explain it, but in that moment, I saw far more acts of love in that family than I ever know in my whole life.

Siblings came despite time or handicap. Love can almost be seen flowing as each heart sought and touched everyone. Bonds renewed and strengthened and support refreshed.

I left that day wondering if my life can hold that much love. Certainly I can't hope to come close but I realized how piquant my life is. Not much of my relations would come, if they even will know, if anything is to happen to me... I reallized that our world is woefully designed to place more importance on things trivial. What matters have been pushed back in favor of the glory of the modern times.

New Job!

2010-08-12T05:44:00.000-07:00

I have a new job and I'm a week into my new role. I've made my expectations as closed to realistic as possible, however, I've not set the conditions bad enough.

I have come to learn that I have changed a bit, now I don't quite just succumb to the oppression of a difficult job, though having a negative Nelly on the job does tend to try my patience.

I've managed to start making my own moves to orient my direction, despite not having a reliable head due to several drastic transitions. There has been a sufficient growth within me to begin making the choices that would have scared me before.

Let's hope I can blossom rather than go down in blazing infamy.

Just an Office Wear

2010-07-27T02:17:00.000-07:00

I've rambled a lot on so many things, and as usual I'm going to ramble on. However this time, let me spin a rather peculiar topic coming from me. Office wear.

No I'm not going to go on a lengthy blog about the proper dressing criteria needed for office attire, but just a quick rundown on some simple rules. Just to give an idea on common mistakes for gentlemen's corporate attire.

1. Please use the same color for your shoes and belt. You can get away with this but it pays to have just one color.

2. Dress socks aren't the same as dark sport socks. And please, dress socks that will reach to the mid-calves so when you cross your legs, you don't show your skin.

3. Cowboy buckles aren't part of office wear, not unless you ride your horse to work that is.

4. Have a handkerchief please.

5. As much as possible, wear v-necked undershirt. It will ensure you don't get the "Cholo" look.

Just a couple of ideas on common mistakes I've seen which I know is simple to remedy. See, no fashion tips, just simple alignment of the wardrobe to arm you for the typical office day.

Simple Thanksgiving

2010-07-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

Thank You for the small things that You have thoughtfully provided. Things that I don’t know came from You and I constantly ignore. Things such as friends, family, my job and the freedom I have to thank You. Thank You for the things You have given that I take for granted. The gift to love and be loved, the abilities that I was born with and constantly use for my benefit and progress, the chance to meet and make friends.

My Father, please accept my gratitude for the many wondrous things that I never realized, and will continue to under value, and forgive me for constantly asking for more. I never truly understood the fortune I was born with and continuously ask and ask and ask. For being patient with me, thank You.

Amen

A Question

2010-06-27T19:34:00.000-07:00

Today is a Monday. Of all the days in the week, Mondays are my lowest. Somehow even if the Monday is a holiday, my morale plummets and getting through the day is almost like a fight for survival, and today is no different.

During Mondays, all the questions about existence and goals are questioned. It's a true task to rise above this petty mindset and gear my sights towards a worthy goal. I ask myself all the negative questions and I can never seem to get a right answer.

What am I doing this for? What's the point of it all? Why am I doing this? Do I truly want to keep on going?

Questions that are all detrimental to the pursuit of excellence and happiness. The good thing is I have learned the solution is quite simple. All I need to do is hang on long enough to get through this infernal day. The day shall soon be over but I shall stay on. Work the small chores, get into the groove and soon, it's time to go home...

Quiet Depression

2010-06-17T18:54:00.000-07:00

I've been very remiss in my postings for the past several months. Being a bipolar depressive, I battle in epic proportions not to succumb to the downs and this struggle is all without the benefits of medication. The long period of silence has been a rather long fight wherein I was faced with an onslaught that I have not had for quite a while.

I managed to get through those trying times however at a cost to my endurance. Regardless of the consequence, I'm once more up and I'm doing my best to swing once again at life.

They say tough times don't last, only tough people do. I just found out that it is true. Hopefully I can stave the next down!

Of Evil and the Likes

2010-02-24T23:27:00.000-08:00

What is evil? In modern times, it's almost archaic and something used inaccurately or in the manner of slang. The whole concept of evil has been eroded and slowly removed from our modern reality. Psychology has discovered a buttload of terminologies and classifications until they finally categorized killers into disorders.

Sociopaths, psychotics or whatnots are now used as labels when before they simply were evil. The devil has turned cute carrying pitchforks and dainty wings. Yet cartoon evil or theatrically portrayed antagonist leering maniacally tries to stereotype a physical mold to how they look like.

Evil in short has been sterilized. I see trouble looming and we're at the cusp. Morality and belief in God is slowly being pushed aside for hedonistic pleasures. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bible thumping or preaching; I simply am observing the world and the rapid changes that is going on.

And on the note of sociopaths, I don't think it's incurable. It simply means they don't want to cure themselves...

Tenure and Stay

2010-02-21T23:53:00.000-08:00

Recently, a huge IT company contacted me and set me up for a series of interviews. Having hurdled 2, I'm told to wait for the 3rd interview where I'm to speak to the APAC CFO. For the first time, I'm faced with a dilemma as I am not truly inclined to move yet I do feel as if I'm stagnating thus a part of me welcomes a move.

Yet that means another set of uprooting myself and gettting acclimitized to a new culture. Something that can be double edged...

In this country, job hopping is seen with adverse eyes, often with a high level of anxiety when people begin to contemplate hiring you. In the span of 3 years, I have jumped into 3 companies putting my average stay just a year each. Despite the enormous impact I've had with my current company, there is still a tremendous amount of work I can do. Moving can be premature but the draw of new work and new people beckons me.

Times like these I could use an extra set of ears that are unbiased.

I Want Money...

2010-02-09T23:28:00.000-08:00

Lots and lots of money, I want the pie in the sky... The song sang by Calloway titled "I Want to be Rich" (ooh!) It's a catchy tune that details a pretty hedonistic pursuit. Then again, who doesn't really want to be rich? I mean I'm in the bandwagon myself, though still waiting for the horse to pull my cart.

The thing is, there are no real secrets to being rich. Not because I am rich although I grew up in a well to do household. Amidst my growing years, I have seen many habits, traits and characteristics to which the rich folk have. Now that I am married, living on our own and separate from the rich part. I realize just how simple the foundation of becoming rich is.

Simple though never meant easy.

Us working stiffs work hard but still we remain in our rut. The rich, they work way, way harder. Blood, sweat and tears can be literally shed in the path of becoming rich. 5 hour sleep from Monday to Saturday, even Sunday at times to truly unbelievable forms of sacrifice. The credo no job is too small or menial resounds amongst the rich.

Living frugally is also part of the road to financial affluence. Don't equate what you watch or believe to be gospel truth when you're rich. Benzes, Porsches and BMWs aren't the primary goals when they earn. Often it's place the money in the bank that can yield the highest interest returns. They'll wear clothes that are store brands and keep using them until they are tattered and threadbare, then these clothes become house clothes. Waste is minimized, heck turn over that bottle of kechup since the last dribble counts. Don't pour the laundry soap, measure it! The food's not finished, heat it up as leftovers to the nth degree till finished. Every corner that can be cut is cut, then if possible, cut again.

No to loans or as close as you can get as possible. A huge portion of the rich people I've seen don't use credit cards, or if they do, they immediately pay their billings. I still manage to operate 97% of the time without using a credit card. My last purchase was a digicam, of course obsolete now, that was on bargain for a year to pay with no interest. The shop didn't give any incentive to pay cash so why give them my money in one time.

They simply don't give up. I don't think I need to explain this much do I?

Then Erich, if you know these are critical to being rich, why ain't you? Err, because I haven't the balls to start the truly working hard part to pat yet. I want to be rich myself but I know the extraordinary dedication is needed, right now, I just don't have that programmed yet. I am working on it, heck being the only collections for a bit IT company is teaching me the value of not giving up already!

I'm gonna be rich one day and I'm working on getting there slowly. Colonel Sanders got rich after he hit retirement age!

A Hard Prayer - A Tough Act

2010-01-27T16:41:00.000-08:00

The more we pray, the more we please God, the more we obtain. I do not ask for those sweetnesses in prayer which God grants to certain souls. I am not worthy of them. I do not have enough strength to bear them. Extraordinary graces are not good for me. To give them to me would be to build upon the sand. It would be to pour a costly liqueur into a leaking cask which could hold nothing. I ask of God a prayer that is solid, simple, that will glorify Him and not puff me up. Dryness and desolation, accompanied with God's grace, are very good for me, I think.

St. Claude de La Colombiere

I will often, if not always, start my workdays with a prayer or reading holy words. While I am don't read the bible, something I am not proud of, I make sure I do not neglect to find something of similarly remarkable. I ask for forgiveness if I neglected to be as pious during weekends, I ask to be blessed and graced, along with others to also be showered with His love.

Today I stumbled upon the prayer / reflection above. A total turnaround of what I will often pray daily. As I read the words slowly, my eyes grew wider and my amazement at the fortitude of St. Claude! To ask not for the good and to be so humble that he eschew what many of us pray for. The Christian Catholic in me can see his foundational philosophy, we Catholics are good with guilt and embracing suffering. It's a fundamental concept to see suffering as a testament to how we can glorify God.

Yet the man in me, I find myself without the courage to explore further this line of thought. I do not want to abide by more suffering yet the prayer shamed me in my weakness. I have always felt that I am a man with little fear. Death and dying does not scare me nor violence or the usual things. But the prayer, St Claude, his courage, they do scare me. It makes me think and doubt my own worth as a Christian and if my afterlife is as secured as I once thought.

I can imagine being compared to men and women such as them, once in front of the gates of Heaven. I suddenly find myself truly afraid the saints have set a really tough act to follow.

Accidentally Resolved

2010-01-24T20:38:00.000-08:00

Last December, whilst awaiting for my scheduled operation, I stopped my smoking with in order to ensure no delays would materialize once I entered the hospital and have my preoperation clearance checks. The post operation found me in more pain and with even less mobility that I don't even want to think of standing up and smoking, much less going out of the house to smoke. At this point, I have reached my 3rd week nicotine free. The longest I've gone without smoking for nearly 19 years.

I also started to streamline my diet wherein I was mainly eating fruits and vegetables on most days, in fact I must have stopped my carbohydrate intake for nearly 3 weeks! Of course, I lost a pretty decent amount of weight and found myself fitting into many of my pants once again. I have started to take in some carbs lately, which is once again making some impact on my figure but nothing quite drastic as before. I am planning on religning my eating habits once more as soon as I can visit the local grocery.

One month after the surgery, I found myself with 2 new habits, both of which I have only halfheartedly made attempts to stick to. I am no big proponent to making new year's resolutions, I realize that keeping resolutions is easier if you don't break them up into an annual manner but instead a continuous process. I mean why wait for the end of the year, next month or even next week to begin when it easier to go now.

Another way to facilitate keeping on track with your goals will be to reduce, if not eliminate, the list. Instead go at the specific habits one a time starting with the most difficult one you have in keeping. My personal weaknesses are my smoking and eating habits, seconded by laziness and lack of focus. I've stood fast with smoking and managed to stand firm enough with eating. I still have yet to fully conquer succumbing to urges when I indulge with junk foods, though I have made a pretty decent headway against this. Both habits are orally fixated and by aligning to work on removing them, I am experiencing a greater level of success. Note, I didn't make any additional actions aside from sticking to these 2 for the meantime.

Another way I plan to make the changes more lasting is to keep a minimum timeframe before I add another change. While my 3rd action is to start exercising more regularly, I have not yet actively done anything here as I am busy making the change more stamped into my daily habits.

It's still a little early to give a definitive conclusion to the efficacy of the methods but I'm keeping the triumviarate of my philosophy and testing it to the max. I'm targetting at least 4 to 5 positive changes within me, or my body, this year.

Healthy Finances

2010-01-17T21:16:00.000-08:00

This is my first attempt to write out a more serious piece on my blog, perhaps getting older has suddenly sparked some maturity within me. One can hope anyways. It’s also my way of putting some of my intangible practices onto something more lasting that way I can share some of the techniques I use for those rainy days.

Let me first say that I am not a financial expert (or an expert at anything even), however I have been able to live without having to need a credit card, does give me a small amount of "know-how" in my chosen topic today. Not to mention being able to skirt some pretty big finance issues due to some foresight has given me some level of competence.

GTH Fund or my Go to Hell money: Despite the increases in cost of living, I’ve tried extremely hard to live on a budget I’ve set nearly 3 years or so back. This way of thinking made me look at my increases as a way of socking more money in the bank rather than what my next purchase is. I leave an average of 20% of my pay during each withdrawal which tends to build up to around 2 months pay annually. I used to leave around 8% before but since my lifestyle is still rather modest, the amount I am able to save has increased a little. Make sure to move the money to a banking investment portfolio in order to make access harder and interests a little more healthy than the paltry 1% per annum. This also makes it harder to "borrow" from your account.

Keeping It Cheap: Starbucks? Heck no, Dunking Donuts – hell yea; better yet I'd go for home brewed. Bottled water? Better yet, walk to the nearest water dispenser and fill up (this is especially helpful in malls). Lunch out is nearly a no-no for me and I bring my lunch to work. 2nd hand books for me please and my handy mountain bike helps to keep gas expense down especially when I need to run errands. A lot of the things we purchase are often unnecessarily more expensive and if we can relearn a better purchasing habit, it’s not necessary to always spend too much needlessly.

Need vs. Want Test a test I will use before buying something expensive. Do I need to buy that spanking new and dreadfully expensive bike or do I want it? What I just want it? Okay, don’t buy it and keep that PhP25K (approximately $500) in the bank, or better yet, invest it. Do I need to buy my groceries? Of course, my family has got to eat, but do I need to buy some designer dressing for my salad or will a less expensive one be a better option? This manner of questioning is why I never bought myself that pair of PhP10K Kenneth Cole shoes and I often keep on wearing my old shoes. They’re still good despite one of them having passed a decade old!

Keep healthy – don’t skimp over the inconsequential things and make sure you eat properly and take your vitamins. I know someone who is just too stubborn to seriously make a lifestyle change and has averaged a hospitalization a year and several thousands in medications. Take those immunizations seriously and exercise whenever, even wherever, you can!

There are much more than these 4 little ways to save, check out http://zenhabits.net/2007/08/the-cheapskate-guide-50-tips-for-frugal-living/. I actually drafted my blog when I stumbled on this and was amazed at how many of these methodologies I've adopted. Except I never did get rich enough to own a car...

In the end, I believe being thrifty is about changing your mindset wherein you feel more self assured with who you are. Many of the frills and gadgets we purchase are often made to be displayed. I certainly don't feel the need to compete with anyone who lugs and iPhone and types on a Macbook. I simply open my tattered 2nd hand book and read. At least my money is growing instead of depreciating.

Help Anyone?

2010-01-12T22:54:00.000-08:00

For the past several weeks, I've been stumpint around with a leg immobilizer due a knee reconstruction surgery. In fact, the first few days, I was hobbling painfully around in crutches. I have dubbed myself a temporary cripple.

It has been quite an experience as I find myself subject o a higher level of service or assistance from other people. Doors being held open, people moving out of the way or some concerned fellow will hover around when they perceive me in difficulty. I even "cheated" by getting ahead of cab lines in order to go ahead first! But my knee does hurt and there is a sign to give way to elderly and handicapped so I translated it for my own selfish purpose.

But I digress. We all are hurt in some way. Some, such as I at this time, have external signs of our pain. But before my operation, my knee was blown and being partially deaf, I am a handicap just not visibly. It would have felt nice for some kindness during those times. I believe the age of technology has taken much of our humanity away. Rush to and hither. Dash and sprint. No time for emotions such as gentleness or patience.

My hidden handicaps have made me more understanding of others and I have been trying my best to look at others as I want to be seen. I feel our world needs some more overt pain in order to relearn the basics of life.

01-11-10

2010-01-11T16:51:00.000-08:00

I said no to someone offering me a smoke. Due to an illness prior to my knee surgery and the long period I stayed home from surgery, I found myself completely smoke free for nearly 3 weeks when I returned to work. Having achieved this nicotine free period, I decided that I may as well continue.

In the past, I have never made any serious effort to quit, thus each time I made these lackluster attempts, I succumb quite easily when a friend offered me a light. Thus when I actually said no, I find myself truly astounded!

Miracles are now within my grasp!

Morning Rushed!!!

2010-01-06T22:51:00.000-08:00

Morning traffic in Makati is an exercise of organized chaos. Having lived my entire life in the metropolis and commuted, either by public transport or car, through the jungles of Makati for nearly 20 years, I can definitely say hellish days begin with the way to work.

For the past several months, the "little lady" has been driving me to work and this additional experience has left me a little more jangled prior to my work day. Apparently my wife is schooled in the driving of hard honks. A car moves too slowly, honk hard and long! Errant pedestrians crossing in peculiar manners are greeted with contemptous remarks and beady eyes emitting invisible deadly rays.

A perfectly wonderul 20 minute ride that often shall raise the hackles and test even the most mild mannered passenger. I arrive happily across my office and gleefully leap out of the car to embrace the new day. It's a truly newfound way to start each morning for me...

2010 and Beyond!

2010-01-04T17:39:00.000-08:00

The new year isn't so new anymore and after a 2 week long hiatus to recover from surgery, I find myself drifting on my 2nd day at work. Drifting at work for me means my pace slows down a bit thus I lose the machinelike focus and the tension that pervades me.

A dull and persistent throb in my knee and a nagging discomfort compound my woes as I struggle to calibrate my focus and swing my aim back to the job. It would seem that I'm off to a rather sluggish new year but all is not lost as I have managed to stave off some weight gain and slice a little belly fat by going on a combination Atkins and GM Diet.

Add a bit of high reps using a heavy resistance exercise band, I squeaked back a bit of the Christmas belly, oh wait, I spent my Christmas flat on my back, but a moderate success was attained.

Not a bad counter to sluggish work pace but adequate weight control success, oh, I also am about a month into a no smoking regimen... now off to anger management...

I am Smarter Than You Are!

2009-12-27T00:16:00.000-08:00

As I stand taller than 85% of the RP population, that means my IQ is higher than most people. See my IQ is located in my brain which is 5 inches higher than average, so that means mine is higher!

Of course being a frustrated 6 footer, I am still 2 inches shorter than my ideal IQ level but I'm happy enough this way.

Wait, are you thinking what my height has to do with it? Well IQ is a product of brain function right? This means my brain being 5 feet 10 inches off the ground can function higher and that adds up to me by smarter, does that clarify?

NB: There is a lesson here of which I know and I hope you can extract, comment it up and let's see if more lessons can be learned!

To Defeat a Process

2009-12-07T16:52:00.001-08:00

I had a great thought yesterday of which I started to layout the bullets to my blog. As the intent started to become close to a concrete action, something happened that made me lose focus and eventually forget. This morning, I tried to pick up the thought but once again, another event came to pass...

The original idea was a truly positive and inspiring posting. A sudden negative remark devoid of compassion and full of selfishness removed and deleted the idea. Now for many, this ought not to be. In fact, I shouldn't be affected, but I was and still am.

What we say to people can have this much effect, this substantially profound effect of either negativity or positiveness. I still can't remember what I wanted to post, but now I have a new topic. I often try to speak good words or promote good thoughts, now I feel I must be more guarded further when I speak and act.

Within us all is the power to make or break the world!

Mucho Dinero or Muy Feliz

2009-11-19T22:22:00.000-08:00

I wonder what is more important in life, money or satisfaction? In a conversation with my wife on the way to work, I mentioned a soft offer to shift career from corporate supervisor, or aka poopervisor, to government project manager was made to me. Her immediate question was, how much is the pay. Now she makes a ton more money than I do but I can make use of my money more effectively than she does. This means a huge reduction in pay will truly cramp up our lives.

Now while I replied by saying it was only a soft offer and not a real one at this juncture, I did mention my interest. It is now not a secret that I am hoping to hit a change in career. The intensity of the job has reached a crescendo wherein nearly all of me is truly suffering. There are days when I am so filled with resignation that only the most desperate of determination has made me get to work.

So what is really of primary importance then? Christian values will put stress to life and living yet what about the modern world? With my wife aching to posses an Iphone and a newly acquired car, these does give some indication of her placing a higher value on the externals. I, though I am somewhat blessed with height and a smidgen of looks, have no desire to be profoundly fashionable. This puts my needs for finances substantially lower than hers but maintaining the quality of our current lifestyle will be impossible.

But I am totally miserable... so is the money so important to live a standard of life the family is accustomed to but I am totally unhappy?

The Yuletides

2009-11-09T15:58:00.000-08:00

Carols are blaring over the radio. Twinkling multi-color lights draped over pvc pine trees. Gaudy decors are up with rosy cheeked obese men in horrid red suits. Bah! Humbug!

I'm obviously not a Christmas person but a comment reminded me of the efforts I've been doing to heal myself. Apparently I have managed to derail them in one instance called the Scrooge McJao disease.

I've been mean and ornery for several days, if not weeks now. Though this may just be an offshoot of the total destruction of my knee and the increased pain I've been feeling. It is most likely compounded by some other manifestations of my mental diseases but the gentle reminder just set a wall to my degenerative progress.

As a man who tries to create a synchronicity from past to present to future, I must think this is a gentle nudge to reassess my mistake and reorient my goals. Thanks you to whomever it was to have thoughtfully left the insight. It came at a perfect moment.

Hikab na Lunes - Yawny Monday?

2009-11-08T21:21:00.000-08:00

It's Monday once again, somehow it always happens to arrive after each Sunday. Always the arrival is somewhat painful and totally unwanted. I tried to escape this by hiding under my pillow this morning but somehow it found my a$$ and bit it.

Thing I hate about Monday is it's always a little too long and time a little too slow. Just for a change, I'd want to see a company that has a Monday blues policy. In a nutshell this policy is: Just get to work on Monday and don't worry about work. You've got the rest of the week. Now how's that for great work environ eh?

I've been throwing yawns left and right, not to mention silent curses, waiting for the clock to strike the magical time...

So slow a day... yawn...

Mortal Thoughts

2009-10-18T19:42:00.001-07:00

There is this book that I'm reading, of course I can't remember the title, but it mentioned something about a bad fall of one of the characters. A matronly aged lady, 70 or so, who was truly a burden to be with. In one of the chapters, she was visited by their minister and she confessed to having been scared of death and reassessing her life.

I've often read or seen this scenario yet for the first time, I realized that people who must reassess or rethink their life when confronted with death is living their life wrong. I can't quite come to grip on how a life can be lived without death in mind. Of course, I've often been somewhat bent in my thinking so death isn't anything really spectacular for me, especially I've come close to pushing daisies several times already!

As for me, well, if I'm going to die soon, the only thing I can think of changing is to ask for my boss to make me work from home... and ask a pretty lady I see at random to have coffee with me.

On the Horns of Dilemma

2009-10-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

To collect or not to collect can now be a truly tremendously complex question. A company with a moderate sum of unpaid monies whose CEO died during Ondoy. Wherein this same CEO is paying me out of his pocket yet this CEO’s accountant, may she have a name change to Meanie, lied about oh so many things. Even about owing me money.

Now that being the situation, what to do… what to do? Show them leniency, but the accountant will surely abuse it and I’m likely to get stuck with a higher receivable… Terminate their service though that means they may not get to pay me at all… How will this collector decide?

Never has a job been replete with a batting average where one actually tends to lose more before scoring a win. Talk about a Shakespearean twist to a job.

A Losing Position

2009-10-12T17:51:00.000-07:00

Erich Jao has never been known for being upbeat and optimistic. Instead he is often known more for a dry and self deprecating humor. At times taciturn and morose, maybe even depressed, bleak and forlorn. Yet it is seldom to be said Erich is a loser. However recently, he has been a loser.

He has allowed events to dictate upon him, situation to control his goals and a lack of focus to derail his resolve. Erich will not offer any excuses of course, he isn't a man who believes in making them, yet for a long time he has gotten confused in what has to be done and the things that ought to be accomplished.

A negatively skewed outlook is akin to losing already. No matter how you gain the results, if you screw up the process, the whole product stinks. I have stank for a bit now. I got my ass kicked all over the place and my focus totally blurred of my destination. Perhaps I have reached a critical stage in both life, work, faith and capabilities. The distress I feel may be due to some malignancy that I have overlooked and failed to excise.

Or then, I may simply be faced with my manic mode and thus the gearing up of my ass. Whichever it is, I cannot and will not allow myself to stay in this rut. I have to shred the bonds that keep me nailed down to failure!

The Modern Arena

2009-09-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

Kipling's prayer before battle:
O Mary, pierced with sorrow,
Remember, reach and save
The soul that goes tomorrow
Before the God that gave.
As each was born of woman,
For each, in utter need,
True comrade and brave foeman,
Madonna, intercede.

Each day upon getting to work, I start my day with a prayer that I get from www.sacredspace.ie and today, part of the though had Kipling's pre-battle prayer. this made me remember a thought I had of the modern world and laws putting a constraint to warriors and the true credo of a warrior. Don't get me wrong, this isn't about fighting but the freedom to respond with ultimate violence to being wronged.

Our world has moved the battlefield from strength of arms to business / work savvy. I've never lived in the times where the law is "the sheriff" but somehow I believe my personal philosophy belonged to those times. Of course I don't relish the idea of an outhouse yet there is an appeal to the whole concept of respecting others and being respected cuz I can bop you right back to meet Manny the Mammoth and his gang.

I believe the modern society is replete with cowards hiding behind both money, position or connections. I could be wrong and simply feeling downright nasty though... I wonder...

Just Another Day Working

2009-09-15T00:36:00.000-07:00

Seriously, my bottom is feeling numb and my gut is starting to stretch to the point I can even feel it stretching. My back is serously sore in locations I never thought even had nerves, not to mention the stiffness on top of my stiffness. Just a typical day at work.

What if funny is the fact that I am entering my hyper mood with no single company willing to pay me!!! After my fingers have grown calloused and lifeless from all the dialing, I find I'm basically spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere.

What is entirely whimsical is the incessant browsing I'm doing for pesto recipe. I never knew that it's made from basil leaves. Where will I find fresh basil in this polluted city!!!

Ahh, oh yes, I remember, google.

For the moment, it's time to forget collecting and begin looking for basil... even this collector can grow dull.

Next stop, the journey to culinary delight... or disaster whichever comes first.

Ennui and Life

2009-09-09T22:21:00.000-07:00

It is perhaps a curse that many of us will find out day to day life less than challenging. During these moments, we are faced with 2 options. Change or stay. I discovered EQ plays a big factor in these moments. An individual with a solid set of EQ will find ways to make what is on hand work. A great portion of the world belong in this category, or I believe it so. Then there are those on the other side.

The group that has but little balance in terms of they psychosocial growth. I feel I fall in this category as I have a hard time adapting to times like these. Despite this handicap, I manage to keep an even keep by applying logic and several coping methods in order to prevent any rash decision making. Having a little external income, it is quite easy for me to leave and start anew but I work hard to make sure I don't make any negative choices.

I'm simply grateful of these options and it is good to remember that ennui is only an emotion and not a disease. It is something that passes.

The Swirling Within

2009-08-26T21:33:00.001-07:00

Staring of a small slice of a picture in the office, I was offered a sight of coconut fronds swaying slightly. I can imagine the gentle breathe of a breeze blowing and rustling them. Behind a poker face, a churning swirl of confusing emotions are roaring in what feels like a holocaust of anger, frustration and confusion.

My life is juxtaposing into a nexus. The precipice upon where I stand slowly crumbles. Fragments skitters down as the mountain as I look upon the horizon.

Well it is an imagery of what's in but somehow even I got confused since I'm in the office but suddenly I stood on a precipice. Yet an apt allusion to a life lived hard and strong. It is no wonder when the time has come, there is much to think of. A great many things to consider and ponder.

Action has beget my destination but now meditation must dominate my decision.

It should be no surprise why a spiritual man forced into a life of warrior often looks into his life. Did all those actions mean something? What difference did I make and have the ripples made any change upon the world. Or are they truly meaningless and an empty destiny is all that is left.

2009-08-24T23:02:00.000-07:00

Now I'm sitting in the office trying to think of who else I can collect and willing to be collected upon, which in my world is a huge chasm. Thus I'm twiddling my thumbs while I ponder the great thoughts of money inflow.

It is rather a dilemma for me to capture the memories of what I have done when the documentation tools I have are pretty rudimentary. Read this any which way you'd like but I'm just a spit's worth away from pen, paper and folders. This does turn into a thorny situation especially when my file isn't updated properly.

So here I am, trying to find more money by remembering what I've done while twiddling my thumbs. I feel like a profound idiot but it hits me that better tools could only make me better but then, I'd lose the magic touch. I feel that my antiquated system, or lack of, and my ability to surpass and at times excel is something uncommon. This does tend to make my job a little more secure. But dang if I don't wish for a better one in order to get them moolah rolling in quicker.

The ennui of collecting.

KISI

2009-08-23T02:34:00.000-07:00

Keep it short idiot!

Nothing to say much now really except with the year nearly over, I'm beginning to feel the pressure of collecting accounts or monies that are fully provided. Somehow I'm the internal pressure to simply go for all is beginning to assert itself and despite no one asking me or even fully expecting me, I am still gunning for them.

Not really a pleasant thought when one is to consider I am alone in terms of collections and in the advent of failure, there is no one really but me who can stop the slide.

But what a rush!

Is This All?

2009-08-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

Now I'm not a philosophical man and I doubt if I'll ever be one, a smartypants which in the Philippines is called pilosopo, yes. In fact, I'm such as pilosopo that my wife has declared me as disgusting. During a conversation in the car, she observed that even the skies were grieving the death of Cory Aquino. Being me, I blithely replied that if the sun was shining, then it would be the weather cooperated, if it rained, then it seems the heavens themselves are weeping.

Her reply, "Hon, you're disgusting."

Now despite this, I can't sometimes help think of life and the what for of it. Raise my daughter and see her off to college then work? Go to work each day and go home to sleep? Pay the bills, balance the finances, find some hobbies? Are these it?

The true danger of introspection is when you find nothing. Somehow I believe I've missed a critical point to life and I've fallen into a rut. I have to say, it would be very important for me not to infect this type of thinking to Misha, that would be catastrophic. She already shares the cynical humor and the last this world needs is another me.

The horror of it all.

An End to Honesty...

2009-08-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

Cory Aquino, died in her fight for cancer... I've been a child in her rise to power, and I'm an adult in her passing of life. In much of those times, I've heard her called many names, not a lot of them are flattering. Rumbles to shakes to even near toppling of her rule plagued her and what I can remember are her flyovers...

I'm as apolitical as one man can get and this event left me with no really emotion. Until I found out that her funeral was declared a nonworking holiday. I bunny hopped, to the best a crip can bunnyhop and thought, "Ahh, good..."

To her, my hat is off though, as being one of the most honest politician I know. Now that is already a champion amongst champions. An honest politician has passed, for this I mourn. I doubt that the current batch of politicians will have a teaspoonful of honesty amongst them all.

The Greatest Day

2009-07-23T21:41:00.000-07:00

The first time I held my daughter in her life. She was all red with a full head of hair that all stood up, just like the Troll toys that I recalled were in vogue nearly a decade ago. She was large and quite easy to carry and none of the frailness I had thought an infant would have been.

She looked quite peaceful and being fond of children, I carried her for what seemed like hours. Her mom then was asleep when Misha was brought in and I reveled in the glory of new daddyhood. My arms finally tired, I gently placed her back onto the hospital crib. The very moment my hands left her, she scrunched her and turned even redder, then wailed. A healthy and soulful sound that widened my eyes and pierced my very soul.

Quickly I carried her once more but each time I tried to place her down, she will begin to cry once more. Somehow this should have told me of what the future would be like but I was basking in the glow of fatherhood.

Defeated, I relented and cradled her like the precious package she was and still is. From the night, starting about 9PM, I carried her till the next day. I sat on an extremely uncomfortable couch, I do believe hospitals have never thought visitors needed comfort too watching an endless series of National Geographic shows. My arms cramped, numbed, and soon felt like useless pieces of appendages; my bladder slowly filled and my sight soon became bleary but I carried her. Hour after hour till the TV shows began to rerun the same shows over and over.

It was not until 5AM did my wife wake and that was the only time I transferred Misha to her.

There is nothing I can think of that will even come close to the happiness I felt that day. No award, achievement or recognition can compare. In fact, everything that is outside the family is simply too mundane or common... My first day with my princess...

Impossible? I Think Not!

2009-07-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

Nothing is impossible. I heard a man speak these words introspectively. I have not thought in this way. Often, if not always, it is let me see what I can do or let me plan but to barrel down life thinking nothing is impossible...

Then add this to the equation:

“You have to believe in yourself, that's the secret. Even when I was in the orphanage, when I was roaming the street trying to find enough to eat, even then I thought of myself as the greatest actor in the world.” --- Charlie Chaplin

Then it becomes, nothing is impossible because I'm the greatest in what I am doing and what I'm going to do.

In conjunction to this, I texted my friend Lakangiting a message that contained, "How's this for skewed. I'm ranked a supervisor doing the work of a staff but deciding on a level of a manager being run as a department?" And this reply, "... ur making history and defining job descriptions!"

The thought of being the best collector my company has that should I leave, it is by my standards everyone is measured. You see, nothing is impossible...

Of Corporate Living

2009-07-06T20:26:00.000-07:00

I'm faced with a sad fact of the corporate workforce, loneliness. This is something that a huge majority of corporate workers are stricken with. It is not a wonder given the extreme thrust to produce results at all cost is often the norms more than anything. This often leads to a solitary life for many an office worker. Sometimes in the goals of corporate protection (commonly known as a$$ covering) it becomes a shield to work this way.

From wherever my loneliness stems from, its cause is irrelevant to how I feel at work. Yet even faced with the terrible desire to search for friends amongst them, some type of apprehension is holding me back. Yet I know that I'm slowly being sharpened to a keener edge and thus I maintain my facade and tamp down any outward attempts to reach out.

Everyone shall be lonely at some point in life and the most important thing is never to be defeated by these emotions. Life's edge lived to the keenest must feel like the headlong rush when we jump off a building when we bungee.

Living the Life... Online

2009-07-01T21:55:00.001-07:00

http://chrisguillebeau.com/3x5/getting-to-india/

If you are going to click on the link, you'll be transported to a blog of a man who travels to at least a dozen coutries a year. As a knowned and ill-reputed nontraveler, I'm enjoying myself vicariously as I read through his entries.

It's pretty amazing how he makes his stay in an airport sound interesting. In my last trip to Hongkong with my family, I lost all feelings on my rear and believe the gangrene has developed already.

I do feel a tinge of envy as I hear the many adventures and mishaps of friends who do travel. It is the one thing that stops me from being a perfect husband... (I actually paused myself there)...

Sadly the physical damages I have received really makes this an ordeal rather than an event. I still remember the intense pain of both landing and takeoff that I experienced. Still, the wonder of travels is becoming a bit more whimsical nowadays...

Beyond Insanity

2009-06-30T22:09:00.000-07:00

Several weeks have gone by from my last post, I've somewhat lost track of time and lived an aimless and rather flaccid life. Apparently my mood decided to swing into a funky groove of weeks long depression. It is a rather queer experience as a sense of surreal engulfs me wherein the actual feeling of depression tenders towards a separation from me.

The whole emotional gamut rather than buffeting me feels like it is beside me instead. I quake to thnk my whole bipolar crap has evolved in ways I don't even want to contemplate. It would appear that I grow even more queer as I age. With midlife now simply just a sneeze away, perhaps even my depression is experiencing her form of midlife.

I can't for the life of me figure what kind of whacked out thinking has brought me here but it certainly is something to ponder. Midlife crisis within a crisis. Darn good thing I'm insane to begin with and adding some more smidgen of delusions won't really factor to the totality of how psychotic I have become....

2009-06-18T18:00:00.000-07:00

I care not for doctors
When ailments plague me much
For diagnosis are but conjectures
And living feels like a crutch

For what would it mean to me
If I live long and hale?
Pain besets this broken body
My soul too begin to fail

Day to night, I struggle endlessly
To go on one day more
Drawing strength somehow unfailingly
Leaving despair locked behind a door

Howe’er each year that passes
The dragons are mightier
My sword’s sheen blights with tarnishes
My armor have grown heavier

Yet with a cocky jaunt and flicked finger
A crooked smile curls my mien
I salute the infernal critter
And fought to win once again.

2009-06-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

It is one of those days when my spirit flagged and the days are dismal. Of course that could simply be post-aging depression which given my bipolar persona needs not even a reason to activate. I pondered upon the wisdom of my life and contemplated deep thoughts of meaning and existential pursuits. I questioned my decisions and my purpose and in the end, I simply got a headache.

Many people will choose their profession, however i have realized that in some cases, the profession chooses the person. We live our life in accordance to how we want to exist in society and there are cases where a simple life is imposssible. The true curse of man is nothing profound and it can be traced to the basic tenets of freedom. As we are free to choose as are others free to choose also. The people whose force of will are so strong that they can bend the choices of others and thus limit the scope of their freedom is then the existence of the workforce.

Philosophers and intellectual derelicts such as I can no longer spout our maxims and live but resort to working to earn our pay and shoot off the rhetoric in other venues, this blog for instance. Cognitive people are often buffeted in the corporate workforce as they prefer to battle in mental arenas and the grotesque powerplays are often without any practical measures.

This then means I get to be a "duck thine head and collect" persona where I slide in and out like a gray man without much impact. Aged and numerous setbacks have reaved me of ambition; a failing body has cleaved the fire from my heart; pain has dulled my desires for any achievements. However experience has told me that giving up is never a vocabulary of a collector. Dismal days aren't forever nor will bad days be neverending; the world was bent to suit man and thus this man must not bend to suit the world...

Aged and Aging

2009-06-15T01:43:00.000-07:00

I'm still not used to saying my age now, but I am several days officially 35. Somehow having reached this age, there should be some form of endowment in terms of a life more tangibly lived. I guess that only holds true for some, as for me, I'm still blindly trying to figure out the course of my life and battling the demons I have within.

No light bulbs have shined, no grand event or anything. I can't even have the distinction of having some gray hairs but I'll look at this as a good thing.

In my case, a life simply lived to this point is by itself a good thing. Friends, family and being sort of healthy is enough of a stead for the more profound stuff.

2009-06-09T01:26:00.000-07:00

My mind is whirling with fatigue as I try to do as much as I can in the limited time a day offers, yet the harder I try, the lesser I seem to accomplish. This is further complicated by my now tight trousers, which I believe is impeding the blood flow to my brain, it is leading to me to great levels of frustrations.

It is a complicated job, that of collections, not quite as simple as calling to ask for money when you factor in other variables. It is also a very unforgiving job, mistakes can be extremely disatrous and the contant level of tension is often wearisome. At this point, I realized, it is time to pull back and orient my focus to something more relaxing. Sadly I can't take off my blasted pants yet, the horror of having people shriek in distaste is too embarrassing to even pursue that line of thought.

The problem is, what to do to relax. That is often my dilemma, how to slow down a mite and prevent me from going kablooey!

Oh My, It's Friday...

2009-06-04T21:57:00.000-07:00

Scratching my head and thinking of what to post, I suddenly feel dejected when I realized my Friday is turning out to be a bear. Faced with the usual delays of my needed reports, I am left with only issues to resolve and nary a single happy event. Feels sort of like your bladder just got filled and needs to be emptied and you left for a looonggg journey with no facility. Dang!!

Now being the supposed "collection sensei" I tout myself to be, of course silently as I don't want people think I'm arrogant, I started bullying CFOs and CEO left and right. Not my CFO nor CEO though, I may be a man without fear but common sense is something I have a lot of. Thus I slowly made their days bad and mine better, even for just a smidgen.

It is a rather peculiar turnabout as Fridays are often highly productive when people are quite relaxed. Yet here I am laying the smackdown on these hard to collect customers... still the knowledge of how important it is to make sure each day is done to the most is born, with a smile even. As I said in my collector's credo several posts back, let not anyone come between the collector and his money. And this includes excuses and illnesses!

How's that for tenacity.

100 Posts!

2009-06-01T17:52:00.000-07:00

I have just realized that this is my hundredth post, ok, I knew that I'm almost there but I wasn't expecting that it shall be today... which means I really have no clue what to put.

And thus with furrowed brows and five minutes later, I'm still thinking of some grand post but nothing really comes to mind except to say, "Father, thank you!"

Somehow it feels right. This blog captures the exodus that spanned nearly 3 years of which I struggled and nearly lost, won and then lost, lost and then won along with other daily and not so daily events.

I have reached this point and not one of them would have been made possible without God and Jesus beside me, thus it is indeed time for me to give thanks to Him.

"Thank you Father for all that You have done, the friends You have laid out, the grace You have given and the family I have. Thank You for everything!"

Oppressive Feelings

2009-05-31T21:01:00.000-07:00

For several days I have been plagued by some aimless form of oppression. For the first time in years, I felt the heat and humidity of the Philippines, yet somehow it just doesn't seem to be the climate. Something more insidious is putting its hold upon me. While I am a worry-wart, vague feelings of oppression and forebodings are not part of my psyche anymore; yet here they are.

Suddenly I realized that Ruby is has just at this moment concluded with a mammogram test to rule out malignancy. The sudden realization came as hard as a punch in the gut. I am worried and I feel restless and fraught with frustrations. Our age of modern terminologies have virtually wiped away the idea of evil but suddenly the whole spectrum opened wide. A disease can only be evil as we are virtually powerless to bear weapons and fight with our wits and arms.

I am totally fearless with my own mortality and can blithely walk into the face of danger and death. One may even say I have courted death and know his touch. But to see the specter loom on family... this is intolerable.

By Thursday, we shall know then the result, but how to combat an emotion? How indeed....

Monday Musings

2009-05-31T17:51:00.000-07:00

A week can never be started without Monday coming in, of course this is a gospel truth. However Mondays contain some idiosyncratic manner of repulsion to many that simply the idea of it beginning is enough to cause unknown diseases or some hitherto new levels of insanity. Only a few chosen representative of our population is gifted, or cursed, of an exemption that the rest of the world is afflicted.

Sadly, I hate Mondays just as much as the next dude or dudette. Given that I call people for a living, the act of transferrence is often most felt by those in my profession and my dislike goes up a notch; still the week must start and as with anything in life, a Monday will end. What is often the critical point of Mondays is how to start it in order to make sure it won't go downhill.

I counsel to begin with a good breakfast, a quiet moment of prayer or mediation, and some buffer from rest to work. A little browsing or reading, maybe some planning of how your day goes or week, even an early watercooler discussion amongst your peers simply to stave a few moments the start of your Monday.

Beware of course of delaying too long, your whole week may be adversely impacted if you misuse these methods. That being said, it's now time for me to start my day as I have transitioned my mind to work mode...

Lessons Learned

2009-05-25T19:59:00.000-07:00

I'm now nearing middle age and only a few years before actually hitting it. Without making a simple situation complex, I won't flavor this state with what I've done, seen, or felt and simply concentrate on the age and what it has brought me. The lessons I have learned are:

1. Wisdom comes not with age but with the pain gained from experience and one becomes wise when he learns to avoid the same trap in the future, otherwise he's simply foolish.

2. While love can see you to the altar, commitment and the ability to overlook the small things will make the marriage last till your funeral.

3. I love the sound of my own voice a tad more than the voice of others but wisdom has taught me to value theirs more than mine.

4. Getting a higher position in a company only means you get to be bear more responsibility and not much fun while those who are at staff level get to have the most fun but then, they don't get paid enough though.

5. There are some people with ego issues who'll take it out on people of the workforce that can't fight back. People like customer service, food services and the likes. The line between legitimate complaint to being asinine is defined by how you treat the people who can't fight back.

6. I know there is no real feeling of fulfillment about parenthood. It is a huge responsibility and there are so many things to think of, but it's all worth the effort since the child has no crime in being born.

7. There is no boredom to be associated in living a good and moral life. There's simply too many good things that need to be done to find time to go for the cheap thrills.

8. Who you are says more about what you say.

9. The Man Above is the best tag team partner and if you have Him by your side and in your heart, it's never anymore about winning...

Mondays: The Start of the Blues

2009-05-24T17:47:00.000-07:00

I detest Mondays, somehow there is no good way to start a week yet no one can truly be spared the need to start the week right or for those will less enthusiasm, just to get over the Monday and let it be done with. For someone like I, where I have spoken to many people coming from both hemispheres, the word Monday often is enough to cast a pall on happy thoughts. However long we have lived in the world and inumerous Mondays come and go, we can't shake off the feeling of gloom that is associated.

I'm not much different there than anyone, I won't even begin to lie about it however rather than simply gritting my teeth and "laying the smackdown" on everyone, I choose to do more mundane and detail oriented tasks rather than speak with others. I avoid having the mood of other people come in the way of my work in order to make the less than appealing day become worse.

Avoid the usual pitfalls that beset the start of the week by identifying them early on and coming up with tasks that shall quickly address the usual doldrums that is associated with Mondays. Or go the opposite way, embrace the truly horrendous chores in order to make sure the week can't get any worse. Whichever path you choose, having some goal for your Monday is bound to lessen the whole negativity of the week.

It's a mind game in the end. Win it first then you're on your way to a better week.

Short Term

2009-05-20T21:34:00.000-07:00

Never a man of great foresight, I often find myself failing to follow through a plan in order to lay the foundation of an accomplishment I want to succeed in. Given my role in my company right now, this failing is only magnified as foresight and patience are both not high priorities of a collector. However I want to strive for higher goals and worthier accomplishments.

This then makes it imperative to reengineer my personality in order to lay the foundation of the man I want to be. This to become successful, a clear and distinct goal must be in place. It has been said, fail to plan - you plan to fail. My first "adversary" must be the self. In literary rules, there is often a conflict between man and self, followed by man and other or surroundings, then man with nature. In order to conquer the latter 2, the first must first be vanquished.

Documenting this goal, this becomes tangible and measurement. I shall start first on my compulsions. Thus the initial goal is to quit smoking gradually and to stick to only ONE STICK of cigarette a day. This will be a one month affair wherein by June 20, I must be able to cease or barring that, I can only smoke 3 sticks a week and so forth. The complete stoppage must be done by July 20, 2009.

I will also lose 5 pounds by the end of July which I will be able to do by mixing up my cardio exercises and flexibility workouts. Both form and size of muscles shall be secondary and the goal is to lay out the needed discipline in both nutrition and follow through for working out.

For now, this should be adequate to start it off however I shall make a point in adding anotehr task that shall answer for man vs others in order to gain external mastery in 3 weeks time.

Collector's Credo

2009-05-18T19:55:00.001-07:00

1. A collector is a solitary creature whose reliance on others must be minimal to thrive.
2. The most important trait of a collector is his passion and determination; all else shall be secondary to these.
3. Remember, it's nothing personal. Never let the job get to you and to let negativity slow you down.
4. If a collector is feeling down and worn out, work on accounts that will require less details and more brute force. Use your emotions to also suit the work rather than a hindrance.
5. There is no such thing called accomplishment as a collector; you're only as good as the next collection. A collector is not known for his collection but the size of what was uncollected. Think of next rather than done.
6. Only little shall distinguish a great collector with a poor collector, thus a truly impassioned collector must exert a Herculean might in order to make himself seen above the mediocrity of others.
7. Whatever a collector is outside of work, he must be brave and without fear, going as high up the food chain as needed to get paid.
8. The last place anyone will want to find themselves in is between a collector and his money. Once a collector is known for this, it is truly a moment to savor... till the next payment is needed.

This being said, it is the internal fortitude that is needed above all. The function of collecting is truly about endurance and it's how far and how long you can stay focused that shall determine how successful a collector shall become.

* People of mediocre ability sometimes achieve outstanding success because they don't know when to quit. Most men succeed because they are determined to. George Allen

What is Irony?

2009-05-14T00:57:00.000-07:00

Before transferring to my present company, I've sent my applications and had other interviews before accepting my current job. On some of the applications, I got no replies but there were some I really had my heart set on to get into.

However, fate has it that I be part of my new family and not them and thus here I am. The collection department. Now the irony comes in not for me, but for the companies I have applied to before. They're now part of the portfolio I am collecting and getting them to become current...

I wonder how their HR will feel when they learn that the collector they didn't consider is not getting their employer to pay promptly...

Isn't it ironic... la da dee dum!

2009-05-07T00:54:00.000-07:00

Who am I? Aside from being a father and husband, a friend and confidant, a collector... who am I? What do my actions tell the world what kind of man I am?

Many people strive to be something a little greater than who they are. Ambitions and desires will often orient our lives and philosophy to set our persona to the world. On a general basis, they may say we're nice or stern, professional or a horrible manager. I can't say what I am perceived as and it suddenly occur to me, just what is the world seeing me as. A great many of my friends will say a steadfast husband and a fast friend or perhaps a good dad (though I know I have more to improve on) or even a dedicated worker.

In light of my recent branching out to reaching a higher level of spirituality, I have joined a bible study group. Last night the verses discussed were Johns 3:15 verses 18 to 17:

The World Hates the Disciples

18"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. 19If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. 20Remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master.'[b] If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. 21They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me. 22If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin. Now, however, they have no excuse for their sin. 23He who hates me hates my Father as well. 24If I had not done among them what no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. But now they have seen these miracles, and yet they have hated both me and my Father. 25But this is to fulfill what is written in their Law: 'They hated me without reason.'[c]
26"When the Counselor comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father, he will testify about me. 27And you also must testify, for you have been with me from the beginning.

I can't say who I am but I know who I want to be known. A great dad and husband, a true friend, an effective collector and more importantly, a true and solid model of God's citizen upon this world. Verse 27: And you must also testify - for me this is not just the judgment or some form of evangelism; it is also a way of life where just my simple living is God's small presence in the world.

It's a bit lofty and noble, but I've always been after higher ideals and the more romantic life. What more statement of romance can there be to live loving my fellows and God?

Hemisphere Difference

2009-05-05T21:16:00.000-07:00

2 years as a US Collector and 2 months as a Philippine collector. Nowadays these 2 months feel more like 2 decades. Somehow our colonial mentality must have missed out on getting the more professional and correct way of dealing with payables. While there are several instances where there are similar excuses not to pay, but this is the first time where both hiding and ignoring has reached a frustrating juncture.

Admittedly, there have been several email correspondences that I have seen which are remarkably rude and ill thought, this doesn't in any way exempt a company from making good their obligations.

I have a feeling our country is going to be more visible if we include values and proper behavior in schools rather than to keep on striving for the academia. Imagine a country that is populated with a cultural mindset of excellence, discipline, integrity and propriety.

Going back on tangent to my rant, I can't imagine how corporately ranked people can't take the time to pick up the phone to say what their respective statuses are! I've even have part owners hide from me in order to elude their obligations. On the brighter side, that will mean more job security but on the downside of it, I am slowly becoming more grumpy with each passing day. The work life balance indeed...

Whatever it Takes

2009-05-05T17:35:00.000-07:00

Today the work seemed impossible. Tomorrow it’ll look very hard. 2 days after it’s still going to be hard. Several weeks, maybe months after, it’s either not as hard today or it’s done. The key is to start and not to stop no matter what. The process of determination is one of relentlessn pursuit of objectives.

This much is easy to understand, however to be determined fully without any fear of failures and delays shall mean a focus and courage that must never be daunted. Fully engaging all the mental and psychological strength to work in achieving a goal is not like starting a car where the twist of a key is enough. Instead it is the constant pressure on the accelerator and skillful manuevering of the steering wheel which shall make one's determination present. The faster and scarier the road, the more often the brakes are applied, for those who lack determination.

True unfettered determination will only see the finish line and not what lies in between. This is the real deal.

Fore!!!

2009-05-05T00:50:00.000-07:00

Or was it five? As one can see from the highly unorthodox

grip, the "Princess" has never played golf in her life. Nevertheless, something called first time is not enough to dampen the most ardent of all players now would it?

Undeterred despite the size and length of the golf club, Misha whacked, smacked and hooked the ball to sink the shot setting new records of the most puts taken per hole. If I'm not mistaken, she would hit an avergage of over 10 per. Thus the likely tally for a nine hole game must have gone over 100.

Then again, who cares about the scores or handicaps when each moment was lit up with enough happy wattage to light up the Cuneta Astrodome. I didn't even try to meddle, as I am wont to do...

Political Crossfires

2009-05-03T23:29:00.000-07:00

In my very first time ever, I found myself in a rather precarious position when 2 different section heads expressed their views on how my job, well parts of my job, should be done. Another first time experience for me was to be the messenger and in light of my junior position in my present company, I found myself once again, bowing in obeisance. It is a very strange feeling that came over me. It was a very surreal moment and not a very happy enlightenment that came about. What the precise nature of the enlightenment is at this moment escapes me, what I do feel is a bafflement of what is going on.

In the beginning, I felt some form of humiliated rebuke but the conversation with the other manager gave rise to confusion as a policy is being bandied about. A policy set forth by the CFO of my company, is being put to question and the dilemma is I'm the one being asked to revise. It is obvious I am still very bothered by this event and my very coherence is now suffering but I guess that is pretty much the norm when one is a corporate rat.

Best policy, duck and work in the background.

A Night with the Bible

2009-04-29T21:46:00.000-07:00

Last night, I spent my first time in a bible study class with some friends, both new and old. It was a remarkable experience though in terms of spiritual matters, I have asked and asked and been answered many times by the Man Above.

I'm not very certain on the impact yet, but I know it is a good thing and one I hope to make into an integral part of my life. While I still remain a devout Catholic, there is no conflict in me in learning more about God for knowledge, enlightenment and answers can come in the most unique places. Take it from me, I have often found answers to difficult things when I bike around. I even once got it as I smacked into a post and got thrown off my bike!

Much of my past personality has slowly been stripped off leaving very much the core of who I should be and who I must be. The ego, pride, and vanity, well most of it, have been taken off. The snooty and self assured youth who thought the world is his to conquer has been transformed into a more humbled one. I mean, to be a collector is a job that requires humility as it's not such a glamor filled occupation! No riches to bolster a false pride on, no worthy accomplishments, not much there really.

Those are my answers, in the act of being bereft by all of the above, I have found more reason and more purpose (though I am still trying to find the right one). In this little group, there is a profound joy in the manner they worship God. A joy that also I become suffused with, and so far, the beasts that plague me are kept at bay. Of course, to use this sacred moment, and it is a sacred moment, to ease my own internal warfare is truly sacriligious; but the respite is highly wonderful. I even wonder if another enlightenment is on its way...

Thank you Father for the blessing, the time, and Your effort in helping me in my life. Thank you Father for the friends you have placed for they truly are part of my wealth!

A Purpose in Life

2009-04-28T20:47:00.000-07:00

My mind has been dulled lately with both crush of work and the sheer enormity of the tasks I have ahead. This resulted in a soporific cognitive function wherein I can't seem to gain a positive level of functionality. Somehow, despite the funk that permeates my mood, I manage to go on auto-pilot and rise to the occasion, well, more like stagger and stumble, and perform my job with some degree of success.

However, I begin to realize I long for more than simply to be a worker bee. The meaning of my actions have began to become increasingly like chopping wood. There are things in life where I must begin to realize beyond siimply working.

We should all be obliged to appear before a board every five years, and justify our existence... on pain of liquidation. ~George Bernard Shaw

Maybe, if one is to take a closer look above, I should find a road where I don't simply exist but have a deeper purpose. I feel my soul thristing for some purpose or objective. It's not the philosopher's conundrum of life's purpose and it's meaning. Such level of thinking is far beyond me! I believe my search is more in line with a validation of the things I went through.

This is the burden of a youth spent aimlessly and with no direction. Age doesn't bring wisdom but rather distraught. The hill is already half travelled for me and I need to know if I'm falling or walking down the slope.

Mahatma Gandhi's Mission Statement

2009-04-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

“Let the first act of every morning be to make the following resolve for the day:
* I shall not fear anyone on Earth.
* I shall fear only God.
* I shall not bear ill will toward anyone.
* I shall not submit to injustice from anyone.

* I shall conquer untruth by truth. And in resisting untruth, I shall put up with all suffering.”- Mahatma Gandhi

Now I face my own challenge of adopting this life creed of one great man to myself.

I have decided to put his mission statement into my blog since I have been scouring the web daily for different quotes, but somehow this is different and I want to challenge myself to adopt this mindset.

I must now find out how strong or how weak I am from here on...

Motivating the Self

2009-04-23T19:55:00.000-07:00

In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed - they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? - the cuckoo clock. ~Graham Greene & Orson Wells, The Third Man, movie

When I was a Boy Scout, we played a game when new Scouts joined the troop. We lined up chairs in a pattern, creating an obstacle course through which the new Scouts, blindfolded, were supposed to maneuver. The Scoutmaster gave them a few moments to study the pattern before our adventure began. But as soon as the victims were blindfolded, the rest of us quietly removed the chairs. I think life is like this game. Perhaps we spend our lives avoiding obstacles we have created for ourselves and in reality exist only in our minds. We're afraid to apply for that job, take violin lessons, learn a foreign language, call an old friend, write our Congressman - whatever it is that we would really like to do but don't because of personal obstacles. Don't avoid any chairs until you run smack into one. And if you do, at least you'll have a place to sit down. ~Pierce Vincent Eckhart

http://www.quotegarden.com/goals.html

Many of my working days shall start, contain and end various efforts to read and browse the net looking for enpowering quotations. I know part I have very little abilities to generate my own fuel to begin my day or keep the flames determination blazing; however knowing this inadequacy, I have learned to seek my strength from outside sources. In one of these searches, I can across the 2 quotes above. In that day, I was looking for goals as my topic.

The 2 quotes above gave me certain insights that no goal or objective that is worthwhile can be achieve without some form of struggle or even failure. It made me ponder if we are going through our lives without some type of extra challenge beyond the normal issues we are beset, there may be a reason we aren't feeling satisfied. When knives are being used to cut or chop, their edges are dulled and their usefulness slowly wear away. However if you slide a knife across a whetstone, their edges sharpen to achieve a cutting edge. If one is to think, both actions of cutting and sharpening are caused by friction with 2 altoghether results.

The question now is, what type of friction are you generating for yourself?

Emailing Peeves

2009-04-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

One of the most irksome things I have seen in emails are the words "please handle", "fyi", "for your handling" and every other ilk of these. Not that there's anything wrong with them, but there is something especially bothersome about these peremptory short cuts which smacks on rude.

I don't mean to run over anyone who uses these formats, well not that much, but I truly dislike the tenor of the message.

btw, just an fyi...

Win / Win in Life

2009-04-22T21:17:00.000-07:00

I've been reading some of Stephen Covey's works and have also began to follow his blogs - . I believe there is an enormous wealth of positive energy when people build their relationships well. His foundation called the Win/Win solution is a fundamentally solid concept where in all of life's situations, everyone can be winners.

This is further given details in his book of The 7 Habits, which I've read and I'm planning to reread once more, but this time with the goal of actually absorbing AND implementing the principles into my life. The whole visual aspect of always going into a negotiation or transaction wherein both parties are winners have a highly profound appeal. This type of philiosophy works ideally for me as I often dislike taking an aggressive stance and will often find ways to prevent someone from being a loser.

Of course, such a situation is never often the case and in these times where one must lose, I try my darndest it ain't me.

Despite the tenor of my blog, I have slowly made a remarkable leap into my life and have come up more a winner than a loser. I'll be honest though, I've done a lot of the whiner part too, but in the end, the person that emerged is far more robust mentally and spiritually than the man 3 or 4 years ago.

Not so bad when one shall consider that I used to have an EQ average of an 8 year old.

Perhaps with the inculcation of The 7 Habits and more input from the maxims of both Francis Kong and the Man Above, I can finally be rid of this miasmic depressive fog the often blankets me.

Demons Within

2009-04-20T20:43:00.001-07:00

It is perhaps one of the hardest thing to battle in life, these internal demons that plague us from within. The weaknesses and personality disorders which can affect a great many of the world’s population. For the past several weeks, titanic battles have been waged within me and each victory margin so minimal that rather than triumph, it only feels like a stalemate.

In my many attempts to find some more reliable method, I tried to reach out to a leadership and motivational guru that has reached a national renown. His advice though sound, was already done and only made the rage and anger worse. Medications and doctors couldn’t contain the demoniac anger and anguish, although of late the anger has slowly bled out till only desolation remains…

The very idea of losing to something within and unseen is agonizing and this keeps me fighting the good fight, but each time I must don my armor and set off to battle, the harder it is to put. My weapons are worn and each time I use them, they take more effort and the enemy keeps getting better with every battle. I still win in the end, but the cost is slowly mounting. My focus in life, 2 years ago keen and sharp has dulled and turned bleary. My rigid self control is now beginning to peter off to lapses in my discipline. Decay has set in, both moral and spiritual, and works from inside to corrode me.

Still, I find the fuel to take one more swing, one more parry, one more smash… one more time… but what if I can no longer find the source? I wonder...

Jeepney Ride

2009-04-16T17:43:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I did one of the rarer things I get to do in corporate life, which is to go home relatively early. Early being 6 PM, about 30 minutes after my actual "dismissal time". I decided to ride the jeep home instead of riding home in our car with my wife as I was in a rush to fulfill a promise to my daughter.

I got on the jeep with no problem and pretty soon, we were on our way. At the next loading area, this being Makati which is one of the only few cities in the Philippines with some semblance of road discipline, I was surprised to see a deluge of highly determined and very physical passengers get on.

The whole affair reminded me of a rush of people whose very lives are at stake! There was no gender distinction as men shouldered women away, women elbowed or even held on to men from beating them ahead. Women even did the same to other women! All of these things happened right in front of my very eyes and I could only frown and feel truly out of time.

I am a man who holds open doors to anyone, especially women and elderly. While at times I may not stand to give up my seat unless the person is truly infirm or elderly, mainly because I am infirm as well, shall assist people with a bigger handicap than I. Thus the sight of all types of good conduct thrown out the window is truly a shock!

Holy Week Exhibits

2009-04-15T02:26:00.000-07:00

More pictures of the exhibit... shamefully, I just realized I can add more than one picture at a time...

A Picture of The Covenant

2009-04-14T22:02:00.000-07:00

This year, our Visita Iglesia has added more churches than the previous years ago. My wife, as UST graduate, felt the pangs of her alma mater call out to her and her heartstrings were tugged. Thus the ever-loving hubby that I am, off we trotted to her old stomping grounds.

It was definitely a worthy trip. There was an exhibit at the church for the celebration of the Holy Week and for once, I came prepared and whipped out my camera. The first photo I took was the covenant, at least I remembered it as such, and the emotion brought out by the remembered pact between me and God struck me during that moment.

It was truly a profound moment for me, as well as my wife and the princess as we toured the exhibit.

Just Keep Going...

2009-04-13T00:56:00.000-07:00

I tried to give up, yet somehow, there is a spark within me that refused to allow me. It is both a gift and a curse to keep on going despite what ails me. A gift as I keep on going, no matter what. A curse because there are times when giving up feels so much easier. Yet I still don’t.

I pray, I motivate from within and without, I find other places to keep that spark alive. Only thing is there are times when the spark is so small and the darkness so vast that going on is almost like a physical pain smashing into me; but I don’t give in…

Warm Embrace

2009-04-07T19:20:00.000-07:00

There is always something magical and healing about hugs, especially the hugs of children. I can never forget the comfort of being wrapped in an embrace.

Nothing I have achieved can even come close to how I feel in this picture. Nothing.

What Determination and Father Means

2009-02-09T12:08:00.000-08:00

Team Hoyt - http://www.teamhoyt.com

I saw the post by a friend (www.fildude.com) and checked it out. The message burned into my soul. The loser in me will say it's easy to overcome anything physical, then again the loser in me is the part I keep on beating up daily so his words don't count. The abused child in me, well, I have tried my best to keep an iron reign on him to prevent him from gaining control of me. That leaves the man and the father.

I have just found one more person to make as my role model. I need not compete in any endurance sports, I just need to beat up the loser in me more and win in the endurance of life and debilities.

I've never been surprised at what we humans are capable of, but I have found myself amazed and influenced by what we human can become.

Perhaps one day, I too can be more...

Commuting Blues

2009-02-09T11:11:00.000-08:00

I stared at the tricyle I was about to ride... the bottom is about 8 inches off the ground. Entering the cab would have meant untold bending, contortions, and not to mention the trip alone would have sent me to the emergency room of the nearest hospital.

Argh! Once again I deplore of the construction of this wonder of engineering.

Had I but a camera, this would have been recorded as an implement of torture.

Contemplations Amidst Turmoil

2009-02-06T07:55:00.000-08:00

I am tempted to go down the usual blog path and pour out all the internal angst that festers within my soul. Lately, I find myself beset by so many doubts and frustrations, not to mention the age old depression and dark moods that come and go as it pleases. It’s rather pathetic already and it’s something I actually have been aware of for some time.

However, the ebbing of all these dark thoughts when I put them into words is highly therapeutic and the pull to just solidify into words are so powerful… yet so sad and at some level, miserable. So I will instead stop here.

Written several hours ago, “No matter what I feel, a job is just a job. One that threatens nothing if I don’t let it affect me and shouldn’t be made to affect me. Regardless of my frustrations on how shabby the company is run, I don’t need to dive to their level. I can learn and put away the gold mine of what not to do instead.”

I’ve managed to lose my focus as all my colleagues from Emerson feel highly negative and managed to disturb my calm. I shouldn’t have let it affect me, but such is the lot of a bipolar person. It’s good that I have a stronger will within me that I was and am able to harness.

In the end, I realized that the people around me has weaken my resolve and this weakness was compounded by some genetic aberration. Nothing a bout of excessive eating didn't cure. Now I'm at work and pounding just fine.

Of Yiddish Sayings and Dreams Crashing

2009-01-19T07:15:00.000-08:00

I once read a Yiddish saying, "Man plans. God laughs."

Before I came across this little nugget of reality, I spoke with a friend whose life dreams was shattered. After years of planning and careful execution, his dream was at hand. Just a few more processes to complete and all the hard work will pay off.

Suddenly everything went awry. He was forced to abandon the dream and return back to the Philippines after spending such a long time processing his papers to stay in the US. And mind you, he did it the right way, but the house just came down around his ears.

He used to be someone I leaned times long ago and he was pivotal in me being only semi-psychotic instead of the total basketcase I should be. Now I try to repay the kindness but how do you console a man when what he treasures the most comes tumbling down?

The Fly on the Wall

2009-01-15T11:22:00.000-08:00

The difference of staff and management I discovered isn't about abilities. It's not about education nor will simple abilities make a difference. There are times when a man is brimming with talent and capabilities which boggles the mind, yet they don't advance much in life. Intelligence may help but how many ne'er do well whose IQ are off the charts?

What can make the difference is the way of thinking and perspective. While listening in on a conference call where VP to VP were discussing matters of where my company shall stand with respect to concessions, I noticed they remained committed to 2 things, yes we're glad they're our big customers but we're not giving our products for free are we? The second is fine, let's give in somewhat, but I want something in return. Kablam moments that got me thinking and pondering...

I will always take a more reconciliatory road and sometimes will accede more than remain firm. Maybe I need to review how I view my world. A change of outlook.

Hmmm... it gets one to think doesn't it?

The EQ or Lack of...

2009-01-13T15:02:00.000-08:00

It is with a little sadness I realized how disjointed my personality is. While there are portions of me that are mature, a great part is still to make it beyond 18. My self deprecating ridicule that my EQ is that of a child seems to have struck home when I did some internal dissection. My corporate maturity for one is vastly lacking in any type of adult "age". Finding so much petty irritations when I should think happy thoughts of being employed.

Note to self: Steer clear of one office creature who has nothing but complaints and bitter comments. May help in maturing well.

Well, I guess the process is neverending and I now at least have gotten to the teens in terms of EQ. I've even managed to stay employed for more than 2 years going! Imagine that.

Whoa, Cool Trike Driver!

2009-01-07T12:33:00.001-08:00

Walking to the tricycle stand on my way to work. Given that it was night time and giving concession to my bad knees, I gingerly picked my way through the dark sidewalk to cross the street. Before I can cross however, the light turned red and I had to wait for the go signal before I can cross. As is my habit, my head swivelled around in the hopes of catching sight of a pretty lady. One can now gain a more accurate idea of the esoteric pursuits I have.

Suddenly I looked towards my right as my gaze was drawn by winking lights and I see a tricycle driver slouched on his bike. Feet raised up propped by the handlebars, gaily he was manipulating the contols of a shiny PSP. For a few moments I stared amazed as what I saw struck me fully.

Nevermind the thought that passed, just think of how nice it was to see someone take a moment and have fun.

Inner Thoughts

2009-01-06T07:41:00.000-08:00

I sat and thought... I wonder why my blog is replete with my idle thoughts, insights (if it can be called that) and quite a few rants. While I do understand that I do have control of my blog and who I am should be the permeating note for this, yet I fail to see how I can't be as fun and jovial as many of the blogs I read. It is quite a conundrum and I hypothesize that a lack of an audience, barring the few who read my blog, has given rise to the actual persona of who I am.

It's not the most flattering of realizations and given just how somber and serious my life has turned into, this can be something that I may have to be alarmed about. However I don't know for sure... one on hand, introspection is often good for the soul, not to mention the value of being humbled by the myraid realizations that one begins to experience when soul baring moments occur.

My thoughts churn in way that parallels a hurricane. Am I truly a morose man or simply a product of taciturnity due to the people I am surrounded with? It is a rather lonesome road, where I stand...

Contemplation (Part 2)

2009-01-05T09:10:00.000-08:00

Dennis, my friend, posted a comment on an earlier post, "dude. have you ever thought of the blessings you have instead of the seemingly endless litany of failures? ...i think you're blessed amigo. and am not even mentioning the friends that care for you."

This is actually true, thank you Dennis! I was in the throes of the doldrums when I posted the blog and was with no friend to talk to thus, as I love to say, weeped over my soup that moment. It is perhaps one of the more paradoxical persona that I have as a bipolar. I gain certain strength and determination, but only after I bleed out certain depressing sentiments.

It just goes to show that it often pays to concentrate on the positive rather than negative... and it took the nudge of a friend to get me off the funk!

Contemplation

2009-01-01T12:41:00.000-08:00

Each beginning of the year, I find myself questioning how I have fared the year before and what I have done. Each time I do this, I grow pretty sad that I haven't done very much and it seems that at some point, I have even regressed. The year of 2008 seems that way and I have truly began to realize how my actions can lead to so much doubts.

I guess it's the nature of the beast to look back and second guess yourself especially when one feels that much of what has been done were doomed to failure.

Oh well, 2009 beckons and I supposed, one can always try again.

Gardan Time!

2008-12-19T09:55:00.000-08:00

I find it slightly curious how a slight fever can take down a man such as I. When my daughter forges on despite burning body temperature of 40 C, I am on the verge of collapse in the merest increase of the thermometer. The pain that shoots in and around my joints are truly of stupendous nature. It doesn't help at all that I already am suffering from chronic pain. But it is said that the victor is one who goes b a little further when the pain gets stronger. Stretches a little more to hit the target.

I wonder if I can do that today or shall I succumb to this infinitesimal bug that came through my barriers.

Peste talaga ang trangkaso!

Thinking Mode

2008-12-17T14:44:00.000-08:00

At a certain point in life when you begin to feel the pulse of age coming in, you wonder just what you have accomplished and what more you can do. Sadly for me, where I can count with one finger what I have done in life, dwelling on this is pretty painful.

The danger is oftentimes a reckless rush in trying to get somewhere or some position. I am quite guilty of this where I can't sit still in a company long enough as I find myself chafing under the helms of the glorious staff.

It is hard to take a moment to think and wonder what my best options are. I simply just keep trying to go up.

The pitfalls of age is truly profound.

The Child and Childish

2008-12-08T11:05:00.000-08:00

At last, at last, I have trod upon the wonderful world of Disney... ableit I limped and dragged my weary and worn body as everyone scampered ahead of me, twas a true delight to be there.

Brisk and nippy breeze with the faint effluva of not so hygeinic Chinese mixed with hotdogs and caramel popcorn, just perfect. While Disney HK is the smallest in the world, it is enough for me to have more than enough mileage that I literally walked 4 weeks worth of walk.

I'm still exhausted and it's been 2 weeks after the fact, but the fun of being there is truly memorable. It's not called a wonderful world for no reason. There's magic in the air there and for the child in me as well as the childish me, it's the most fun I've had the whole year.

Something to be glorious about.

Friends Afar and Times Past

2008-11-26T09:27:00.000-08:00

I recalled a conversation I had with an account manager in my old job. Amidst tendrils of cigarette smoke that curled between our fingers. She said that why miss your friends from afar since they are friends and the distance shouldn't matter. I don't have the verbatim words she used but the idea she went with was friendship should surpass distance and the lack of steady ocmmunication.

I never commented much then since I was puzzled on her logical premise. Admittedly age and circumstances have made me understand why friends must travel different paths and no way does the strength of the friendship fade. However I miss my friends and the time we spend. From the simple pleasures of simply recalling the good old days to the shoulders I sometimes need to lean on. Even the solid companionship of having their presence beside me. These are tangible things that her idea can't even begin to support.

I don't see what's wrong with wanting to be together with people who are important to you and formed the bulwark of who you are and what made you smile the way you do. Then again, her understanding of friends can simply be faulty or her level lower than mine. Or higher... but for me, I miss my friends. I miss the days that I can sit with them and whilst it doesn't mean that seeing them less made them lesser, but there is nothing that comes close to having them right beside me.

No siree bob.

I Remember the Days...

2008-11-25T09:20:00.000-08:00

I received an email through the Yahoo!Groups membership I have for my old theater guild. The gist is an invite to watch a concert for The Company, one of the members being an old college theater guilder also.

The link - http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=41275186282

While watching and listening, the song also catapulted me to the days represented. The tumultuous and unforgettable moments that marked the moments in my life. The various times I saw come by and pass.

I remember the days when I smile, no lines crinkled my cheeks and the lines that slashed beside my eyes weren't there before. I remembered the roars of laughter and guffaws shared with my good friends, now mostly scattered across the globe, the wild moments that stand for adventures and the misery of youth finding purpose. Standing in the juxtaposition of man to middle aged dad, I am poised in the brink of 2 worlds where the memories still override the body and know of only the days of health and vigor. Yet the chasm yawns wider when I open my wallet.

Memories can bring the fleeting and ghostly smiles to our lips when we remember the happy days, the wince of embarrassment for the blunders we did, and the sighs for missed chances and lost causes.

Despite all these, the wonder of today and it's many, many possibilities can be so endless and the moments they shall add on to the databanks of our memories, this is the true stuff of life. The great precarious act of living life just the right way where we can feel the grandiose moments of the presence and preserving the importance of the future.

Great stuff really... memories... the things they make us do...

Happy days are always within our minds and our hearts to live amongst the present.

Cutting Decsions

2008-11-21T11:23:00.000-08:00

For many people who know me, my hair has often been unruly and rather unkempt. I've never been good in caring for my crowning gory and didn't even bother to change styles throughout the years. With the exception of the hairline slowly going up, it remained almost the same for more than a decade.

I happen to be lazy also, which means I cut my hair no more than 6 times a year. That goes very well with a stingy nature that seems to keep putting on more superlatives with the onset of age.

However since I am job hunting, and I have noticed more pretty ones in the office building, I thought that it wouldn't hurt to google up some decent cutters. Site upon site of ladies raving about different salons went by. Prices too high and set me gasping with near pain nearly got me to grab a razor and simply shear off everything.

I have gone into the wrong line!!! A hairdresser is most likely getting more money than I am a month, should they have a good day. It is amazing just how much people pay for vanity.

I suddenly miss my old barber... Mang Erning, where are you now?

Ahahay, Bench Fix or Tony and Jackie... I wonder...

Just to have a hair cut. I never knew such decisions can plague a man when he wants to turn heads. That is to turn them away or turn them toward him, that is the question.

Ennui in the Work Place

2008-11-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

I sat and sat, grinding my already modest behind even smaller. Amidst the sitting, an occasional coughing fit will leave me breathless. I stared at the walls also. I felt the passage of time, oozing and so slowly.

I dickered and bounced up and down. Jittery like a man on meth, not that I know the feeling, but again watching CSI teaches one a lot of things.

All that time, 2 minutes passed by.

Sigh... being sick and at work don't really go well. As this entry can attest.

Wala lang, the day seems to drag unusually long and I'm simply way beyond boredom.

Lobby Conversation

2008-11-17T09:37:00.000-08:00

Sitting in the waiting room of a well known headhunter, I overheard a young lady applicant chat for nearly 30 minutes about just what is going on with her life.

In extract the conversation start from...

"Oh, kamusta yun application mo?"

"Oo nga eh... pero inayawan ko yun Telus, galing na ako dun."

Then went down to...

"Kaya nga, teller na lang ng BPI and sabi ko... pero may test pa. Ikaw?"

"Ganun, eh oo nga pala, what about your date tonight?"

Ngerk! The eavesdropper felt his eyebrows shoot up... wait put back the poker face and perk the ear once more.

"Talaga (gasp)... (small shriek) You're so lucky! OMG!"

Oops up went the brows once more but this time a stare started... I can't help it anymore.

"Tell me more... Grabe... Details naman!"

At this point, I was called for the interview. Too bad I missed the ending. It must have been something to remember.

Portrait of Grays

2008-11-11T06:01:00.000-08:00

Throes of painful shafts shoot off from my knees to jab my back with lightning jolts. My brain Is fogged as thought processes slogged in an infinite loop without ever being able to find an answer. My body sluggish in each motion as the rains lashed the widows like a lion tamer fending off a crazed beast. Splattering and tracking rivulets of cloudy water murky with the dust that once coat my picture windows.

My eyes gazed out the dark horizon as strokes of gray clouds lumber in majestic sloth across the skies. Weeping at the sight of the world gone crazed. A parody of my mood reflected upon the world. Death wrapped in life, death in convergence with life.

This is me today, who I am and what I am bared forth by the fury of the rains that sunder the once azure afternoon sky. The false semblance of a defiant fortress laid waste upon the buffet of time and age.

No Room for Regrets

2008-11-04T12:44:00.000-08:00

I have read Harry Truman doesn't have time to regret. For him, regret is useless and he won't waste any time feeling regrets. He'll learn from the mistake and correct what wrongs he did, but he'll never regret.

Nearly 2 years have passed, maybe more even, when I too have tried to do my best to adopt this attitude. I'm not highly successful so far, but on a general state, I've done remarkably well for a dysfunctional person. Despite making some pretty large mistakes that I know have managed to swerve my life, I feel no remorse on the path I am in. However let us not mistake depression for remorse for I still am plagued by this.

I have become harder though with new level of accountability. Perhaps a little too hard but I guess it is the price to pay. Nevertheless, life is more fun when you can quote Admiral Farragut's famous words in the way you live your life, "Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead."

Life is meant to be lived where it is nearly out of control but not fully. Just a smidgen off kilter and, more importantly, FUN!!!

Pet Peeves

2008-11-03T09:56:00.000-08:00

They are small, niggling and virtually minute details that bog us down. Individually they are negligible. One or two of them can be ignored but it tires a person out. However when there are numerous nuisance then it reaches a critical stage where it becomes a threat to the well-being, either physical or mental, of a person.

It's never the mountain that breaks a person instead it's the pebble/s in the shoes. The greater the obstacles, the more ease we can summon to overcome it but the constant and persistent hurdles that block our paths is what wears us out.

I wonder how once can find the resources to beat these "ants" that clutter our lives?

Oh Goodness

2008-10-31T16:58:00.000-07:00

I wonder what kind of person I am. Am I upright and moral or have I once again fallen? On the surface many shall say I am a good guy. I provide for my family and I have very few vices. I am prompt at work and execute my job as best as I can, which if you backread my blog (Office Creatures) is better than most here. I am always putting my family above others and will always plan my days and life around them.

Yet there is this nagging feeling of somehow not being good enough. Somehow there is a crack somewhere where my past is seeping out. I feel fallen and dark. Yet I don't sin as much as many, well at least I hope so.

Still somehow there's a feeling that I'm missing something. Like an itch that can't be scratch. I wonder... did I...

Thinking Pose

2008-10-31T07:17:00.000-07:00

I stroked my soul patch with pleasure as I have learned another word for today. Though stroking it is pleasurable, the reason though isn't. I'm thinking, hard, always a painful process at the best of times :)

My thoughts are rather profound and they center around the future. For a man who has hit near mid age these kinds of thinking herald times of crisis since I should be thinking of things aside from the future. By all rights, I should know where my future should look like, or at least mapped it out by now.

As it is, I'm now pondering what I can do aside from what I am doing. See? Thinking really is hard if I can't even decide on what I want to do. Then again, there are other people who go through their life without knowing what to do or even getting to do anything read tambays.

All the while I am stroking my soul patch...

I guess these are the times when doubts enter and a man questions his wisdom whilst trying to determine just what is the best for himself and his family. I wonder how this will play out. Of course I still am stroking that scraggy soul patch.

To Hirsute or Not to Hirsute

2008-10-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

I have decided to grow a small patch of facial hair that can be found right below my lower lip and above my chin. Strangely, I have never known just what that blasted area is called but so far, the attempt has resulted in a somewhat scraggly and sad looking stubble.

Despite my best efforts, any attempts to grow facial hair will always be doomed to failure as I can never achieve the luxuriance of successful hirsute features I try to emulate. I hate to name a famous celebrity as I'm likely to show my age and lack of interest but I do like the George Michael look.

Wala lang, I just thought to write some thing else to put a more random thoughts that make us truly human.

Pero talagang kawawa talaga tignan yun patubo ko.

Good Old Day

2008-10-29T09:16:00.000-07:00

I miss the old days. The time when I was really young and everything worked as they're supposed to work. Not to mention not feeling the kind of pain associated with old age and decrepitude that truly can make daily living infernal.

I'm not going down the road of innocence, ignorance yes, as I don't think I've ever been innocent. I must have been born with malicious and pornography in mind.

The days then were really quite fun and the times spent with friends and enemies alike, seemed momentous. None of the crap of working and paying the bills. Nowadays I only look forward to 2 things, payday and weekends. Unlike before, I can have so much fun simply wearing my angst out in the open. The tragic student reft of good sense and direction in life.

If I do that now, the likely consequence is job termination then inevitable annulment of marriage followed by the unglorious crawling back to the ancestral home for succor and mooch.

One thing I truly miss then. Having fun simply because it was nice to have fun. In my dotage, having fun means I'm getting close to losing my marbles and I have to regain my sanity by releasing the pent up aggression and stress.

Office Creatures

2008-10-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

In my past work, I was surrounded by many highly competitive and extremely capable people. This meant the median for average workers are high and thus to be marked good or excellent is truly a badge of honor. I by no means am close to being the best, but my US supervisor has called me sensei, an alias I wear with pride, till now.

Sadly my nature and physical state has made me move on to another company. It is here where I learned that not all workers are created equal. And those people I saw as incompetents before or dunkoffs, are by far better than those I am seeing right now.

Thus born the highly pejorative, if not more sanitized derogation of, cretins… a highly resounding and thusly more apt description to a majority of who I work with. Now let me cite a small but apt example. Halloween draws near and with the more advanced thinking company, we are celebrating this highly fun and infantile tradition in our work place. Our contribution, small and insignificant, is to paste typewriter papers on cutouts shaped like tombstones AND to print our epitaphs. 2 coworker who made the move with me, and I, finished our epitaphs in no more than 15 minutes. 15 minutes of googling, editing, printing and pasting. I took less than 10minutes.

Now the cretins took over half a day. In fact, the highly developed cretins took three quarters of the day to finish it and they took the rest of the day bemoaning the sad state of the printer… I shudder to think just how their work fares especially we are all collectors. I’m seriously afraid my company may have to file for bankruptcy when our cash flow is in the hands of these collectors.

Denoument in the Gym

2008-10-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

I was in the condo's mini-gym working out, well doing some moderate cardio exercise whilst reading, as I observed a middle aged man puffing and grunting as he did a series of workouts. While my body sadly doesn't reflect it, I have had nearly 15 years of workout experience ranging from amateur to near expert.

Thus with my expert's eye, yes I am seriously an expert, I noted the motions and the routine apparently were either given as a program by a trainer or he scoured the net for it. Now I'm not interested in his routine, which is okay, though not spectacular. But what struck me is the appearance of a mid-aged guy trying to recapture the glory days of youth.

The intense and near comic level of weights he's trying to lift and how incongruent they are to his muscle structure. I felt a certain pity and no small amount of disdain as he grunted and grimaced through his program. It certainly didn't help any to have his cellphone blast out youthful tunes at a volume that bordered on distressing. I have to marvel at how technology can packaged such decibels in a small Nokia unit. I myself had my Ipod on listening to the soothful tunes of Paul Potts and Josh Groban.

After 4 minutes of reading and cardio, I was finally done, well I finished the book so I was done all right. And this dude was still pumping, irritated at the sight, I decided to stare at him for a few seconds and exited stage left.

NB: The point of this narrative is really a reminder that beyond a certain age, there should be a level of elan to each action. The gym is a place where trying hard and simply trying better can demarcate a person. I try to be better. He tried to hard. Tragic comedy with a corny end.

Mental Me...

2008-10-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest difficulties of a man stricken with Bipolar Depression is the tendency for the downs to predominate a man's existance. A blog oft-times provide a more saner and safer outlet to pour out the doldrums. Believe me, if you are a friend, such whimsical and sometimes dark ramblings of a depressed loon is the last thing you want to hear. You can read the papers or watch the news for a natural down.

Thus the birth of this blog.

Sadly, my mania, which can be fun to witness, isn't documented here. During those times, I feel the world is at my figertips and I do a DiCaprio like shout, "I'm the king of the world!" Hehe, such as site from a nerd certainly is something to see. The stark contrast of a matinee idol and a Woody Allen caricature - me, can be hilarious.

One thing I must say that this mental disorder has given me is a literary predisposition to wax philosophical in times of gloom. Edgar Allan Poe certainly beat me to this, but then so have many, and I follow the great ones footsteps.

On a happy note, much unlike many depressed people, I don't resort to meds nor justifications in order to fabricate excuses. I must be one of the most functional bipolar sufferers in the world! Now that is actually something to be proud of.

I creep forwards, even microscopically, no matter how bad the days are. Better medicine has not been made when one simply refuses to make anything an excuse.

Thoughts Astray in a Fleeting Moment

2008-10-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

In a strange twist, I decided to slack off from work. An action that is unlike me as I am often found doing something. It matters not that what I am doing, but somehow and some way, it shall come together to form a way my work shall be better or lesser. Instead of the dogged pursuit for clarity, payment or information, I stopped. I decided to simply cease and be… human. I allowed the grip of ennui to clasp me. I simply allowed myself to be weak, even for a brief moment.

Whereupon immediately I started to browse and viewed Josh Groban’s MTVs and enjoyed the music. I listened to the beautiful melody flow through my earphones to caress my soul and ease the dull ache of disappointment. Each day I go to work, the thoughts and pang of lost opportunities will strike anew. Freshly smashing through the fortress I built and only with the most ferocious counterattacks shall I rebuild those ponderous walls.

And whilst listening to Groban, the floodgates to distant memories of glorious days sprung upon me. A sudden pouncing of the olden days where my body and soul was different These times of long ago where my body moved with more feline ferocity. Rather than a small spark of danger that I exude, then the danger I emanate was a ferocious blast of the furnace.

The song and memories pushed my consciousness into the realms of beyond reality and with a sudden clarify, I knew I should have been born in a different era. I was born too late to when I should have walked. My time was supposed to have been when there were frontiers to explore. Wars to fight and glory to achieve. My time was when men thought and pondered. Walked and strutted in splendor. Fought and died for vanity and defended honor slighted.

Too late is my time. Now I trod with just enough of all these to be a renaissance man with dreams and fantasies dying slowly.

An Angel's Flight

2008-04-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

I recall the smiles I saw.
Given to me with impish dimples.
Happy days so long months ago
I remember... my angel

Petite yet lush
a woman in full blush
The shaking shoulders silently laughed
I am smiling as I sat...
recalling

My angel shall fly
A forthnight away
I miss her much though
I am content.

The memories are fine now
I need not pursue
Again I have changed.
Subtly and greatly

My life
tis a silent thunder
Swirling winds of tempest
amidst my calm mien

Lost

2008-04-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

My memories are brought back to a day long ago when I was lost inside a grocery store. I can't remember anything else except how I felt. Alone... Helpless... Afraid... Confused...

Decades after, outside the grocery store, I'm feeling these emotions all over again. I am afraid of the new tomorrows as I fumble in my todays. I despise the choices I have ahead and the consequences so heavily weighing upon me. I am really lost in this.

What shall my steps be as I trudged this lonely path I am in? What indeed?